"Sanvers gave me the support and help I needed." - By Anon (TW - Self Harm, Drug Abuse & Suicide)

CONTENT WARNING: The following article does contain these possible triggers; Suicidal ideations, discussion of suicide attempt, self harm, drug abuse.

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Since I can remember I have always been required to be perfect and responsible.

I was to have the best grades and be the best in everything. I have an older brother and usually older siblings are required to do the most…but not in my case. He could be anything he wants. He was not required to get the best grades, just enough for him to pass and move to the next class.

Normality was always required of me. I couldn't be different. I couldn't dress as I wanted. I couldn't cut my hair the way I wanted. At the age of 12 I started to hurt myself, punish myself every time I thought I did something that is not normal among my peers. I began to stress myself with oral statements and tests. For every average grade, I hurt myself.

At the age of 14 I had a crush for the first time. She was my friend. I told myself that it is normal that I want to be close to her, that I call her a honey and my love and that I want to sleep next to her. At the age of 15 she introduced me to a boy who fell in love with me; he tried for me. We were together for two months, after which I broke up with him. I didn’t feel comfortable with it. I was terribly lost. Three months after breaking up, I overdosed on pills. I tried to take my own life. But not because of him. I was already so lost and hurt by my peers that it seemed the best solution for me. The only person who knew that at the time was my friend who was with me when I vomited blood. I told my parents after one day. My kidneys were not damaged, and fortunately I didn't need a transplant. The doctors said I was very lucky.

I went to a psychiatrist for a month. At the age of 16 I found myself back with the boy I was with before, and I was happy. However, when he touched me I felt uncomfortable. I told myself that a relationship is about closeness, trust and love. I trusted him. I also felt insufficient, so I allowed everything he did. I wanted to deserve his presence and I didn't want him to leave me. Finally I asked how he felt about me. He hugged me when I cried and when I wanted to hurt myself. It ended after ten months. He broke up with me for a girl from my class and because I told him that I felt dirty, that I no longer wanted such closeness. He didn't ask me how I felt anymore. I was completely broken. I isolated myself off from people. Eventually, I went to a party where I found out from a drunk ex-friend that she wanted me to die, so she didn't say anything to my parents when I had tried to take my own life. She wanted to get rid of me. This information broke me.

I started watching television series’ to focus on someone else’s life and not think about my own. I didn’t want to fight my feelings. I didn’t allow myself to feel. After 3 months I started watching Supergirl. At the beginning, it was nothing special. Then I heard what Maggie and Alex were saying about discovering herself. Alex's story seemed similar to mine. Sanvers helped me. Thanks to them I didn't give up, I didn't try to take my life again.

Thanks to Sanvers, I dared to fight for myself. I started dressing the way I want, i.e. men's too big T-shirts, tracksuits or black jeans. I cut my hair as I always wanted, despite protests and family bans. I fell in love with a girl again. I allowed myself to feel and admitted to myself that I was gay. Suddenly all the confusion I felt was gone. I felt free. I accepted what I am. I haven't told my family yet. The only people who know about it are my internet friends and cousin. I am not ready to reveal the truth to my family. I know how they approach LGBTQ people. They would not respect what I feel. They would try to change it by force. After all, I'm their only daughter, they want a husband for me, a normal wedding, children. In our country (Poland) this will not be possible for homosexual relationships.

I am 17 now and I feel good about myself despite the social phobia, despite the restrictions. Sanvers gave me the support and help I needed. And none of my relatives helped me so much. Sanvers showed me that I have the right to be different, that I have the right to be who I want and that I have the right to love whoever I want.

I am extremely grateful for them.